Navigating Terrain

I've been spending at lot of time recently navigating the "emotional terrain of our elders", and trying to help out my elderly aunt.  She's spry, healthy, happy, living independently, still driving, but she is 90.

When my own four children were still in high school, I traveled 1100 miles every six to eight weeks shoring up my parents who were trying to live as independently as possible. 

They had moved "south" to avoid the winters we have in the northeast.  They loved the ocean and white beaches.  Our family had vacationed for years on Hilton Head Island.  So it was a perfect choice for them.  They chose a lot and drew up building plans and their dream retirement house was built.

But they didn't live close to family.  And that became too difficult for all involved.

Now. it's only a six hour drive each way, to assist in some of the areas that need personal attention.

For the last few months I've had lunch and dinner with folks in their 80's and 90's in their assisted care facilities, and senior citizen housing.  I've visited with folks in the nursing home.   And I've rediscovered the importance of having a relationship with our elders.

But they all have reconfirmed for me, the importance of time, relationships, humor, family history, and gratitude.

They all said they couldn't believe they were in their 80's and 90's.  Time had passed too quickly.

Hopefully, I have learned some lessons and figured out some readjustments that I can make in my life.

 Lesson 1:  prioritize time and figure out what is important.  Life is a limited comodity

Lesson 2:  we undervalue the courage of the elderly. " How are you?", I would ask.   "Another day older, but I'm still here!"  he said with a smile on his face.  Ordinary healthy people whom this thing called "old age" has broken through on them, personally, and they can not do the things they routinely did.  A loss of power and status.  They all seemed very courageous to me.

Lesson 3:  if asked....they love to tell stories of their lives growing up.   Of their family, friends and neighbor, experiences.  One lady I ate with, grew up in an apartment right off Central Park in NYC.  Lots of stories I could visualize from her descriptions, being familiar with that area.  Another raised horses and was National Driving Champion.  She took me to her room to show me pictures of her and her horses and her awards.  Bill Moyers has said "Once in East Africa, on the shores of an ancient lake, I sat alone and suddenly it struck me what community is.  It is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell us a story."

Lesson 4:  older people have a good sense of humor.  I never laughed so much as when I had dinner with those 90 years old folks.  For some reason, they don't seem to take themselves so seriously anymore.  And they have had lots of funny experiences, and don't mind "telling" on themselves.  Also, they all came from a time when conversational skills were highly valued and practiced so the "talk" was interesting, and inclusive.

Lesson 5:  the role of a grandparent is still vitally important.  But it's different now.  We all don't live in the same community as where we grew up.  In our family, our children and grandchildren are hundreds and hundreds of miles away.  They can't walk down the street for a cookie or a hug.  I know someone in the community that has made a commitment to see their granddaughters once a month.  For them it's just a three hour drive, but it's important!  I'm hoping I can make that a reality with our changing life circumstance.

Lesson 6.  our faith heritage is so important.  My great grandfather was an itinerant Methodist minister in Western NY.  I remember stories that my grandmother told me about his riding his horse to his different church communities each Sunday.   I have a box of his correspondence, from the late 1800's.     And the letter from my great grandmother in Norway, encouraging my grandmother and grandfather on their 25th wedding anniversary to keep always keep strong their faith in Jesus, through blessings and adversity.

Lesson 7:  I never put much stock in beauty but I did admire intelligence in people.  Now I'm more impressed with kindness, determination and creativity.

I'm sure there are a lot more lessons to learn as I travel myself down this road called Aging.